Food, it Humbles us All

I write a lot about Celiac because it's so cool and chic. I mean, who wouldn't want this amazing disease? But today I thought we'd venture out into another eating problem that can be debilitating and embarrassing. You or someone you love has probably suffered from it at one time, and the worst part is, you may have not even known! 

That's right, I'm talking about the "food stuck in your teeth" ailment. This affliction is not only debilatating for the individual that suffers but also for everyone around them! Let me paint a scenario for you. There you are with a friend or even worse, a date! The ambience is perfect, the lighting low, the waitstaff attentive to your every need. You look down at your plate that has just arrived, perfectly presented in the flickering candlelight. You grab your silverware and prepare to take the first bite, lifting it to your lips and looking into your companion's eyes but, GAH!!!!! You can't look in your companion's eyes because you are immediately drawn to their teeth. What used to be pearly whites are now pearly whites being massively invaded by flowery green! Or worse, black!

Inside, you panic. The stress is now destroying your once happy meal. You try again with another bite, looking down and hoping that when you raise your eyes once more the situation will have resolved itself. You take your time, pretending you have a need to get the "perfect" bite onto your fork. You slowly, carefully raise your eyes again and, OH GOD!!!! The situation has managed to get worse!

Not to fear, I am here to help you in these times of great distress and have created a three point scale complete with steps of action.  

Scenario 1: Your companion has a small discoloration lodged between their teeth. Perhaps pepper or a similar sized spice. 

Action: DO NOTHING. I assure you, a tiny object will most likely be noticed by your companion and rectified on their next trip to the bathroom. If you attempt to fix this situation at the given table, it will end in multiple gestures of "here, no not there" followed by your desire to reach across the table and use your fingers in your companion's mouth. This is not acceptable. Therefore, I repeat, do nothing.  

Scenario 2: Your companion has a large discoloration lodged between their teeth or perhaps resting comfortably on top of their teeth.  

Action: Kindly and ever so softly as to not draw attention to the entire world whisper, "Oh, looks like you have a little something something" as you point appropriately, to the offending area using your own mouth as a road map. If you do not take some action, when your companion is alerted to the situation themselves either through the person across the room that can make it out, or on their next trip to the bathroom, they will despise you for letting them look like a moron. Understandable.  

Scenario 3: Your companion chose poorly, ordered black bean soup with large chunks of cilantro and now has a mouth that more closely resembles brown m and m's than white chiclets. 

Action: Excuse yourself and wait in bathroom approximately thirty minutes until your companion  finishes eating, gets bored and hopefully (dear God, hopefully) checks their teeth or utilizes a toothpick. 

So, perhaps my suggestions are not perfected but it's nice to know that it's not just us Celiac's making dining out an adventure. Happy eating to us all!